Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize