we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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