we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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