new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
