Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
