Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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