pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
