The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
