i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
