I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
