i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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