Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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