My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
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She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
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She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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