drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
