On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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