I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
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You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
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Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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