I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
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Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
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How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Someone signed my nipple.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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