I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
