I hate your face
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
