Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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