omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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