i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
