Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
