U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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