that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
