I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
