Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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