I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
