I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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