I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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