i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
