u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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