So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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