Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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