i just google imaged poop.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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