She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
