I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize