I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
