We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I wish there were birth control emojis
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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