I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
