That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
