I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
