I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
