she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Less talking, more tequila
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
