How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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