My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
