Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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