summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
