I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
