I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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