Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
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Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
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I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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