Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
