I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
