Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Randomize
