i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
